Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
