Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
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