Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Randomize
