How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
