Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
