Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
office poll is still running 100% that Spencer Pratt is more disturbing than David Carradine's death
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
