i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
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i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
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I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
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