we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
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