He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
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