My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
