so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
