Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
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