I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
We got so high we made milksteak
you mean i was at the winter classic?
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tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
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I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
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