My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
