lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
