I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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