It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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