I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
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critical mistake not lubing the nipples
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
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I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
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