apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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