Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
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