woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
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He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
I need a burrito and a hug.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
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when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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