No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
I want a musical about memes.
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
