I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
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