watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Randomize
