The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Is it bad that when my prof gave examples of "stalking" behavior, I either have done or would do most of them?
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Randomize
