My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
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