Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
Randomize
