Pants 0. Shit 1.
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Randomize
