We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
Randomize
