I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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