He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Randomize
