On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Randomize
