I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
I met the friendliest cop last night
Question: does he have any sense of self image? He looks slightly like he crawled out of the Euphrates after living as a fish for 20 years
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Randomize
