He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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