Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Randomize
