Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
