Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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