yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
