Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
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You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
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