I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
