she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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