my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Randomize
