Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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