So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
