lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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