Screwed.edu
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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