ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
