My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
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