You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
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