The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize
