tell your sister to shave her snatch
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
