We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
