So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
